Ins and Outs of Ups and Downs

     So, I know I'm crazy.  This last week I've been crying at the drop of a hat.  Why?  Because it happens.  Sometimes I'm not sure I'm bipolar.  I think I'm just emotionally, well, immature, and that I don't know how to really deal with things.  But that can't be it, because there's a bit of a cycle, and I can feel the episodes approaching.  Besides, I have classic symptoms.  But I do well without the help of a doc and/or meds.  So, hmmph, whatever, right?
     I think my trip to Austin had me all screwy.  I was using spark regularly, and was even starting to lose weight.  I considered January as the month I work on tracking my food/exercise and seeing what I can really improve on.  I do pretty okay on foods, except for things like birthday cake, and "cheating" a little.  I try to eat healthy whenever possible.  Oh, and DaVinci signed us up for a gym.  I did 4.7 mi. (1 hr, 519 calories) on the elliptical Saturday.  I am going again tonight... and so on.  As of last Thursday, I have lost about 7 pounds, give or take for daily fluctuations.  That's not too bad considering I incorporated almost no exercise and had a vacation, and like three family birthdays.
     Back to being off-track, though, I got off schedule and that threw my body into upheaval.  I started going into a downward spiral, that I already had an inkling was fast-approaching.  I started questioning things about my life.  Like, did I marry the right guy?  why am I not in grad school?  why do I live in this shithole city that I hate when I could live somewhere I'd be happier?  You know, the usual questions.  After seeing EverSmile my brain started playing the "what-if" game.  And that's never a good thing.  I mean, when I'm not like this, I love DaVinci.  So, I really know it's just me.  Then EverSmile said something like "When she was 18 and I was 24 we were in two different places in our lives, and maybe if things we different, or if we were older, it could've worked."  That makes me think in a bad way.  I think that if anything ever happened between DaVinci and I, I'd be hospitalized for a while, for my own well-being. After that though, I'd never be able to do the marriage thing again. I do well now, because DaVinci's got a good hold on things, and good control of me. But I seriously doubt any other man could deal with me and my ways.
     And I hate where I live.  I left this place to go off for college, and I didn't go far, just far enough away to be on my own.  And I cried and cried the day we moved back here.  At my age, just out of school, just married, and starting my own life, I could have gone anywhere.  And I ended up back here, with the people I worked to get away from.  At least to have a shitty job in a new city people would think, oh, she's just new here and working to get settled.  But here, I see kids I graduated with and I think, god, I'm no better than they- because I'm stuck here with this shitty job in this shitty city just like them.  And they seem to be working to get out... or are settled and happy.  I'm unsettled and unhappy, and can't seem to get away.
     I'd like to live in an area like Austin, but I'd probably need medication for allergies.  I'd also be happy in the Durham-Raleigh-Chapel Hill area of North Carolina.  I don't want to be a cashier forever.  I don't want to be in customer service for anything.  I'd like to be a ghost-writer or an editor.  I don't want to have to come up with my own work, just improve upon those which need improvement.  I'd even write/edit manuals for things if I must.  Just give me the instructions, and I'll make them understandable.  I'd be a freakin' miracle worker for politicians writing memoirs, because I can.  I've always been happiest doing background and behind-the-scenes work.  I used to do lighting for an improvisation troupe in college.  I was good.  When I used a light switch or a full board and colored gels, it didn't matter.  I love being the help, the techie, the background support. 
     That's about enough rambling for now.  Things are not perfect.  My life is okay.  But when I think about the extremes I face in my life, "okay" is something to strive for.  And so, I'm okay; and okay with that.