My Name is 3xE, and I'm a Little Crazy

My work has open enrollment for insurance in the next few weeks.  I'm totally buying in on that shit.  I was worried I couldn't afford it, but can I really afford to not?  I'm going to need help.  I'm going to need serious help.  Wait, why?  Oh yeah....

1)  My sister came in town last month.  I think I have PTSD due to her.  No, that's actually not an exaggeration.  I get a twitch in my eye when she visits.  For days before she arrives, my right eye twitches constantly.  This time it got worse.  It twitched, but very little.  I got a migraine instead!  Woohooo!   Migraines....!  The damn pain in my head lasted four days.  Even with Excedrin Migraine (which I took like candy), I was still an irritated throbbing mass of sunshine.  I also had some stomach pains while she was here.  It felt like my stomach was in a knot, and there were some uncomfortable bathroom moments I won't get into.
2)  The panic attacks have started again.  I had one a few weeks ago.  It scared me.  I couldn't breathe, couldn't move, and couldn't calm down.  I had never had one so bad.  I missed work and stayed on my couch all day.  I don't know what triggered it.  Unnerving pain shot through my arms and chest, and I felt like I was being smothered by the very air I was breathing.
3)  I've been having frequent nightmares.  Some are very specific.  Most just wake me with a vague feeling of fear and pain.  Tied to the nightmares, though,
4)  I've wet my bed twice.  Let me begin with:  I have never been a bed-wetter.  I did it once in college that was the result of a night of drinking and the beginning of a UTI.  This was not that.  Two nightmares, but nothing specific.  I don't know how to handle it.  How do I tell DaVinci?  He knows- I just flat-out woke him and told him.  This makes me feel like some sort of quivering mass of goo.  I feel so unclean, so unhealthy.

Am I falling apart?  Am I reaching a point in my illness where I can no longer do this on my own, or with DaVinci's help?  He doesn't have answers.  He shouldn't have to deal with this.  He should be married to a grown woman.  To a woman who can love him and not pee all over him, especially if he's not into that (no, he's not).
We've been talking about having kids.  Well, I've been talking about it, edging it into a conversation as an eventuality.  One of the Jobless Wives is pregnant again.  That's a whole post on it's own, and maybe I'll write it soon.  I'm not confident in myself having children at the moment.  Even before these recent developments, I wasn't certain I wouldn't be a woman who drove her children into rivers.  (More fucked up and even less funny?  DaVinci agrees.)  I know I wouldn't be able to be pregnant and be on medication.  But maybe meds then baby, then meds again?  With proper counseling and a stronger support system, I think I could do it.  I've seen women become great moms in worse circumstances.  And none of them had DaVinci.

I joined a support group.  It's the DBSA in my area, and it's a support group for people who suffer with Depression and Bipolar Disorder.  Not just people who have it suffer from it.  Our loved ones suffer, too, and this group can help them as well.  It meets twice a month, and I can't always make it on those days.  Some people from the group said that's okay.  It's a little weird... to be part of a support group.  To be in a room full of crazy people.  To announce to strangers I have a problem.  To drive thirty minutes away, and they don't even have free coffee.  I guess, though, anything helps.

That's what's new with me.  I'll be posting soon.  I have to update on my recently returned bestie, the same old new mom, and a new web obsession.  Oh, and DaVinci got a new job within his same company and a really fun hobby.  Wow... so much to talk about.  Catch you later!