Today I'm going to be VERY personal, and kind of a downer. I just need to talk myself through this. This isn't a topic up for debate. This is not a topic on which I will be judged by anyone. I'm not religious. For this matter, though, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Sometimes, fear takes over me. Sometimes my fear is irrational, like being afraid of people accidentally stabbing me when offering to feed me a piece of food with their own fork in their own hand. Sometimes it's rational, like being afraid of things hitting me in the face- probably the greatest cause of my anxiety.
I am married, and have been married for two and a half years. I'd never cheat on him, and he'd never cheat on me. It's something you just know.
Before DaVinci, though, I was a bit of a whore. I don't mean to say I'm ashamed of myself because I had pre-marital sex and god (maybe with the big "g") will never forgive me. I mean, I used to have a lot of sex with a lot of people I didn't know that well. I don't have a fancy excuse like nymphomania. I mean, I guess I can link it to the bipolar thing. But that doesn't really excuse anything. If it was the sixties, sure you can excuse that- it was the sixties, man. My aunt and uncle died when I was nine and ten, respectively. They died of "complications due to AIDS." He got it through a blood transfusion in the early eighties and passed it to her. So, you'd think I'd know better. And I do. And sometimes I didn't care. On more than one occasion, I had sex with more than just one person in a day. I don't even know how to explain that. DaVinci has never asked about my past in any specific detail. Sure, I'll joke with my friends about my promiscuous past. It was kind of like, Oh, 3xE is kinda the whore of our group. And that's fine as long as it stayed a joke. It's not so funny to me sometimes.
I've never been tested.
I'll say that again. I've never been tested.
I am scared to death.
I have a friend who works with HIV/AIDS groups in Austin. He's what you'd expect, a gay man with a psychology background working hard to keep people with AIDS from feeling alienated and hopeless and those without AIDS from contracting it. He's the only one I can turn to, and yet I cannot turn to him.
There are several layers of fear to it. I fear the judgment. Being tested means you don't know. And not knowing is like admitting that you've fucked up. Whether is was one night with a stranger, or one night without protection, it was one moment without control and it could cost you your life. One fuck up, and everything is over. At least if you don't get tested, you can keep that shame to yourself. No one has to know I was a whore. I know it, and I've dealt with it, and I try to avoid letting it affect me.
Then there's the not knowing part. Not only am I unsure of the status- but there's a chance it might be really bad. And not just for me. I might have killed my husband. I don't even know what the statistics are, or the odds of me having contracted it. But we're together, and we have sex. And because of me, he might be dying. I might be dying. And if that is the case, that changes everything. We couldn't have kids. We'd have to tell our families. It'd be all my fault, because it's my past that's so questionable. Everything would be destroyed because of my stupidity and lack of control. My marriage would be over. My family would not get it, especially not after my aunt and uncle. My future would be taken from me. My husband would leave me, and we'd probably die alone.
If and when we decide to have children, I would want to be tested beforehand. Just to prevent that sort of complication. But in the meantime, I can't bring myself to be tested. While not knowing is tortuous, I can't imagine being positive for HIV and confronting my husband is any better.
My past is my only real reason for being afraid. I'm kind of an idiot when it comes to HIV/AIDS. I don't know what the symptoms would be. I mean, it kills your immune system, so you die from something else, and not AIDS itself. And I know people usually exhibit flu-like symptoms with HIV. I get the flu about every 15 months. I got a flu shot last year, hopefully that will help me avoid its terror this year. Or I could get tested. I just cannot bring myself to do it. And that guilt is terrible: The guilt of admitting to myself that I'd rather not know. Admitting to myself that if I'm going to die, and my husband is going to die, isn't it better that we not know it? If it was going to happen, then it already has. And if that's the situation, there's not a lot I can do about it from here and now, right?
This is my guilt and my fear. This is what makes me a bad person.
Ok, I was a tremendous whore before I got married and now I've slowed down a lot. I do still sleep with other people. We are non-monogamous and *we do not cheat*. Instead we talk about it and agree that it's ok and such. Anyway!
ReplyDeleteYeah, go get tested. As long as you were sleeping with non-IV drug users and as long as you weren't going into groups where people really took outrageous risks, you'll be ok. I have slept with more than a hundred people. I have oral herpes (contracted as a small child from a family member while sharing a drink) and I have had a bout with cancerous cells from HPV. HPV is honestly your biggest risk.
HPV is double plus ungood. It is very strongly linked with cancer (though it doesn't always lead to cancer--usually your body kicks it by itself) and it can sit dormant before going wildly active really fast. I had to have cryosurgery a few years ago to take out cancerous cells. Not so fun. But I've been clear since 2003. Something like 80% of sexually active women get HPV at some point in their lives. It doesn't mean you are dirty or bad or a whore. It means you had sex. :) There is no test for HPV in men, which blows. One more way everything is dumped on chicks.
Your risk of AIDS is very low unless you were barebacking in the queer community. It's ok. Really.